Onion-Tended Consequences

Episode: Beefsquatch (S2E9)

Favorite moment: The sequence where Bob and Gene sabatoge one another on television.

Favorite Quote: "Kids cover your ears, FCC here comes Linda! Dagnabit, pee pooper, nuts to poppa, stinka boob taka, mama kaga, poopa daddy!"

"What was that?"

"I am cursing on live TV!"

Beefsquatch is a Bob's Burgers classic. At the start of the episode Gene adopts a new persona. Peter Pescadero gives Gene a Bigfoot mask in exchange for lessons on how to pop-and-lock-it. Gene wears it over his burger smock declaring "This is me now!"

Bob learns he has the opportunity to cook on a morning show, and in his audition tape he walks us through how to make the Onion-Tended Consequences Burger, before Gene (now Beef-squatch) swoops in and devours it.

Bob's segment is picked up... but only on the pretense that Beefsquatch will sabatoge his cooking. The father/son duo take turns wreaking havoc on one another. Until Linda, fearing fame will destroy her family, swoops in to save the day.

I chose the Onion-Tended Consequences because it is one of the simpler recipies... and I have only recently taken up cooking... and I need to work myself up to some of the more complex burgers.

I mean for God-sakes at some point I will have to stuff a burger with home-made gumbo. And make a burger out of salmon. And eat brussel sprouts.

Which brings me to some further Onion-Tended consequences of writting this blog. There are only 52 weeks in a year... but there are 73 burgers in the book. Do I just pick my favorites? Or go at it for 73 weeks?

I know Julie Powell cooked her way through Julia Child's cookbook in a year, and that has over 500 recipes. But Julie wasn't also trying to raise 2 kids at the same time so... my life is harder.

We watched Julie and Julia last night... and I mean no disrespect... but Julie has a lot of nervous breakdowns. I told my wife, "I won't have as many breakdowns as her." She laughed and said, "Yes you will. And then I will go get a burger from Five Guys."

The Bob's Burgers Burger Book does not specify what you should serve with Onion-Tended Consequences... so I decided to make onion rings. This meal took me only 2 and a half hours to make. So I am getting better.

I had to cut up three onions between the rings and burgers. I'm not crying... you're crying.

The rings had to be dipped in flour, then in egg-flour-milk mixture, and then in bread crumbs before they dry out.

The onion rings cooked much faster than the fries I made last week. And I burnt the first batch to Hell and back. Once I got the hang of it, I was able to carmelize some onions for the burgers at the same time. No... I didn't I add caramel to them.

Just butter... an obscene amount of it.

The Onion-Tended is served on an onion roll... which was much larger than the buns I used last week... so it was harder to make the burger large enough for the bun. I don't feel that I succeeded there. My burgers were dwarfed by the rolls.

The top bun has chevre spread on it. Chevre is a fancy way to say goat cheese. The bottom bun is covered in a spring salad mix.

The patties are seasoned with salt, pepper and italian seasoning. As a finished product, with carmalized onion and chevre, the burger is sweet. So the salty onion rings went well with the burger.

I can't help but wonder what the Onion-Tended consequences of my dedication to this blog will be. How fat will I get (not that I am thin now) how vain will I become (obviously more)... will I get so fast at cooking that it will no longer be enjoyable? How frequently will I be asked to make burgers for friends... and will people find me pretentious for blogging? Or Julie Powell, Julie Child, Loren Buchard, Cole Bowden, and Edith from Reflections find out about this blog and declare I am "FILTH!"

Not likely.

Mostly, I will be over here eating burgers, and watching my favorite show.