Girls Just Wanna Have Fennel

Episode: Modie Foodie (S2 E7)

(Previously reviewed. See: The Final Kraut Down)

Episode Reviewed: Seaplane!(S4 E3)

Favorite Moment: Tina's "Quicky Kiss It" daydream.

Favorite Quote:

Louise: You should teach at my school.

Mr. Fischoeder: And you should work in my coal mine.

Bob and Linda go to the same restaurant every time they go on a date, and Linda has had enough of it. She tries to convince Bob to go on a romantic date learning how to fly a sea plane. Bob does not go along and Linda finds herself in the clutches of "Up-Skirt Kurt"

Up-Skirt Kurt has a habit of taking bored housewives up in his seaplane, and fakes engine malfunctions so that they have to "crash" land on the deserted island of Quippiquisset, known by the locals as "Quicky-Kiss-It" There, the bored housewives give into their adrenaline rush and glee at surviving and start affairs with Kurt.

Kurt tries to put the moves on Linda... and she is having none of it.

Once Bob hears that Linda is on "Quicky-Kiss-It" with Up-Skirt Kurt, he and the children, with the help of Mr. Fischoeder, go on an adventure to rescue Linda.

The episode culminates in a fantastic and daring plane ride for the Belcher Family.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fennel is a half beef/ half lamb patty stuffed with green apples and covered in a complex fennel slaw.

This complex burger took me four hours to make! But holy shit was it worth it in the end.

The slaw was the part that really took an eternity to make and I was so nervous that it was not going to be worth the effort. There was so much chopping and dicing and grating... for which I will go into excruciating detail.

I started by juicing some lemons and mixing that lemon juice with water in a large bowl. This was going to be used to soak all of the fresh ingredients, and keep them crisp.

The next step was to address the star of the burger: Fennel. The recipe calls for a fennel bulb. At the grocery store this is sometimes called Anise... but they are not the same. If there is a bulb then it is in fact fennel. Fennel seeds and anise are similar in flavor which is why they are often confused.

Anise is used in making black licorice, and it is in my not-so-humble opinion, disgusting. Should be called anus instead. Reminds me of that nasty ass "Lord Licorice" from CandyLand.

To use the fennel... you do what you do with almost all veggies: throw most of it away. Seriously. You only use the bottom part of it. Unless you want to save the twiggy fronds for a salad, and you are in fact a rabbit reading my blog... then good for you.

The smell of the fennel was kinda stressing me out. I was nervous the burger was going to taste like licorice.

You quarter the bulb, and cut out the thick core at the bottom of the bulb... then you attempt to grate the little chunks you have through a cheese grater... which is tedious. And the shredded messy pile of fennel is mixed into the lemon water to soak.

Then you chop up celery and cabbage to soak in the lemon water as well.

Take another 15 minutes of your life to chop up some fresh dill and mint and set off to the side for a minute.

In a separate bowl you combine mayonnaise (best part of slaw) with apple cider vinegar and sugar. Then, mix in the chopped dill and mint.

Carefully, and once again tediously, drain the lemon water from your fennel-celery-cabbage mixture. It took a long time to drain it, because some of it is so thinly shredded that using a colander would cause you to lose most of the ingredients (I don't have a mesh strainer you judgmental brendas).

Then, you mix the mayo-dill-mint sauce in with the veggies and voila! Slaw! And might I add it was a damn good slaw, I may make it again this summer as a side dish for a picnic or something. Or maybe next year. Or I may make it in bulk for 11:30 pm snacking.

Or not at all because it took forever to make.

The slaw is put in the fridge until the burger is done.

Next, I chopped up green apples, to be mixed in with the meat. I had to fuse beef with lamb and mix it in with green apple... which left me feeling like Dr. Frankenstein (Bob-enstein for avid fans).

Somehow, I think lamb burgers just cook easier and come out more tender than regular burgers. Once they were done cooking, I put them on a bed of cabbage leaves.

And then drowned them in the fennel slaw.

The end product was amazing! The green apples and lamb were a perfect combination of tart and tender, and the snap of dill and mint in the crisp slaw was phenomenal. And it didn't taste a thing like licorice! It tasted like spring. I could almost feel flowers growing inside of me and birds chirping in my stomach.